The family afterward

The first 2 years were a real struggle. Learning how to deal with life on life's tems is hard when you drank away all fears, feelings..I had "luxury complaints" and I had real tough times.

My first plan of attack was to do everything, everyone told me to do. Aftercare, therapy, stay on meds. Somethings unfolded easily, my then 14 year old son was returned to me in 10 months. We had regular visits, holidays and sleepovers. DSS really pulled for me and the Judge applauded my efforts. Cam presented me with my first year medallion. I was blessed, he only wanted to see me well. He often asked me to wake him for Sunday morning meetings to attend, I think to keep check on me doing what I was supposed to. No matter, he needed it and he learned a lot by being there. He will go occasionally now, but he's had his fill. In the end, it was all about the blueberry cake cruller I often bought on the way in case Stevie got there first!

My daughter, was a whole other ball game. She was 9, she lived with her father. I had blown off visits left and right I was too drunk. Broken promises, lies she knew were lies. She was pissed, she was hurt, and she hated me. It did not help her father did not explain alcohol, but let her think I abandoned her. Even with visitation rights he would not let me near her. Phone calls were spiteful as "I want a mother, just not you" came from my child. It took me 10 thousand dollars and until May of 08 , 20 months sober to have the judge enforce the visitation I had. It started supervised, we go to relationship therapy still but it's getting there. She comes unsupervised as any other divorced parent has, every other weekend, etc.. I take her on Fridays to volunteer at the library. She's not overly affectionate with me, but I do get "I love you" and a hug. It did not help anything the separation, and the spite of her father is bordering abusive. I was told I killed her dog and she helped me bury it! She thinks this. Her Rottie that died in 05 of old age, and that me, 100 pounds and a then 7 year old carried? It's insane. I can't fight his power and influnece, only keep proving to her I am who I am. She has noticed this, she's told me I'm nothing like she thought I would be. I have done everything I can, I apologized, acknowledged, let her let me have it and agree with her that yes, I was a liar and hurt her. My God is guiding, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly....

Brian is my husband. We've know each other since I was 7 and married 10 years. He was an enabler. He worked alot to get away from me at the end. I would call his work drunk I was told, he lost his job. He threw me out for being drunk, I called the cops and because he picked me up and placed me outside, it was called a domestic and he was arrested. The police knew it was me, and took my son to an ATM to bail him out and get them a hotel. So I was a troublemaker on top of not cooking, cleaning and taking care of myself. It's a wonder I am not divorced. I went to court and told the truth, I was an alcoholic and he didn't derserve it. It was humiliating but the truth, and I had to do it. He said he forgave me but he didn't. He held resentments, later telling me in his mind he didn't want to hurt me when I was working so hard. Would have been better for us if he did let me have it. I could take it, I earned it, I understand it's part of the process. Yeah, it hurts but holding it in led to more hurt in the end. 2 years we were not intimate, we tried marital therapy, he got more and more emotionally abusive. I left with my son for 6 month. He went to therapy and explored a lot of anger he had held towards me, as well as alot of other things of his. We are legally separated but living together again working it out. Things are going really well, he's my biggest supporter and has taken a 2nd job to get me through college. He's been and owns his own business that I did support him through. I wasn't quite the drunk for the entire marriage. We communicate more and are a normal couple or as normal as you can be with this life.

Finally, my mother, my siblings and me...

My family is still as messed as it ever was, other than my sister who escaped to Canada with her husband and child. My mother still wants this "perfect family" and God help the one that shatters that image. My brother is an addict, he had a bad coke habit he did kick but he drinks more than socially. My father has been sober 12 years, due to medical issues and my mother the same because he made her also.

I have worked my ass off through the kids, the husband, losing my home, living in a hotel for 5 months, working on my mental illness and just life. I remain sober, I sponser, I want to be productive and happy. I am still learning me and growing up. Alcoholics are emotionally stunted. I am enjoying the experience. I have gratitude for things others take for granted, I take care of myself. I still have a HUGE self esteem thing going on, but working on it. I am just aware.

My brother recently told me he thinks I am different, and when did I get so "philisophical". I laughed, I don't think that I am, I think I am at peace. Just how am I supposed to be? I don't know who I am yet and neither of us knows Tina, she was drunk for years. He seems to think I live my life for him. I am going to school to make myself look better than them. I didn't see me stop them? Go now. My only accomplishment the past 20 years was downing a bottle a day, and I would fail. Oh and "Stop fishing for compliments on something that takes no more than self will." I have decided that I have been the family fuck up for so long, that they always could say "Well, I'm not as bad as Tina" and I've taken that away. Scary looking in a mirror Mike isn't it? Who is it that you see and are you happy with him?

My mother said similar things a few weeks ago. She also added that her father and her were not alcoholic because they could just stop, and I needed detox. Okay. I guess only they can gauge that but a 6 pack a day and a case a weekend for over 30 years is not a problem? This started because my brother told her about his and my conversation.

I have realized it is not about me, it's about them. They don't get it, and they don't have to get it. It saddens me deeply that it is what it is, however I am not going to let them bring me down with them. I don't think I'm better than anyone, except the old me. My accomplishments are not their failures and my failures are not their accomplishments.